Dear Divine,
I’m super close to my future mother-in-law. In fact, we have lunch almost every week. There’s just one thing that’s been killing me: BOUNDARIES. Whenever I request anything, she cries and freaks out. I have three kids: two with another man and one with my fiancee. Here’s just one example of the boundary issue: I’ve made it clear to everyone that I’m not comfortable with anyone sharing photos of my children on facebook without asking me first. My FMIL makes them her profile photo! I don’t mind the occasional issue: unsolicited parenting advice, comments on my appearance- but sometimes I just need her to back off. Now she wants to take a huge week long camping trip and combine our vacations. I love her but NO WAY! When I tell her kindly to stop something, she cries and withholds our relationship. She says bad things about me when she isn’t getting her way. I know she’s a nice person and my husband says she can be manipulative. How can I handle this?
Super Frustrated in Florida
Dear Super Frustrated in Florida,
Your first step is to figure out what boundaries you and your fiancée have. You need to both be on a united front. You both need to decide what your mother in law’s consequences of her actions should be. You both need to be clear and not flex on your decision. For example you should tell her if she puts up a picture on Facebook without your permission she will no longer get photos of the kids anymore. You need to stick to your guns. You should also explain that you hope she will respect your limits and not take it out on your relationship. When she says mean things just pay no attention to it. It is just being said because she has no healthy way of processing. Please understand every little jab she takes is leaving holes in your boundaries and making it weaker. You need to also understand this might take time to change the pattern but you can do it. You need to do it for you, your family, and for your children to grow up learning healthy boundaries. Hope this helps.
Love, Dear Divine
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