By Annie Gebel
You’ve probably seen the sizzling sex scenes and touching romantic rendezvous that show us what love is like in the movies and on TV. You’ve likely also realized that reality frequently differs from these dreamy doings. Thankfully, there’s nothing like actual intimacy. When mixed with a little humor, patience, and grace – true intimacy with your partner makes for the best happily ever-afters.
As proof of this, here are some stories – some from friends, some from personal experience. I wanted to spread out the embarrassment and share more than just my stories because many a couple has fumbled in the dark. As you’ll see, some of us even stumble in the light.
Smoke and Mirrors
Early in our relationship, I thought I’d set the mood for my husband – a new negligee in his favorite color and candles lit all around the room. I heard his footsteps and saw the door handle slowly turn. I held my breath and heard, “What the (bleep) is this? I could see the glow under the door and thought I’d have to call the fire department!”
Yup. That happened. Thankfully I’m occasionally quick on my feet. I turned him right around. “That’s not how they do it in Hollywood,” I said. “Try again.”
To be fair, I was going for the dreamy, lots of candles look, but as it turns out, a 10’ x 10’ room only needs one or two candles. I blew out all but two of them, which left us with a sultry (or smoky, depending on who you ask) atmosphere. I left the lit flames in front of the mirror, where they reflected a bit more ambiance, and we went for take two. He did much better on his second entrance and so began our tradition of second chances, even in the bedroom.
Bodily Fluids
You may have immediately thought of There’s Something About Mary’s ‘hair gel’ scene. Thankfully, though – I’m not going there. Instead let’s talk about the reality of leaking here or there.
A friend of mine was fooling around with her husband while very pregnant with their third child. She saddled up, ready to go…and went. She peed on him! There was a lot of confusion and embarrassment, but a lot of laughter too. It might not sound funny to anyone who hasn’t had kids yet, but to the rest of us – it’s not that hard to stretch our imaginations and see this happening to us!
And then after you have the baby there’s breast milk galore! There was probably a point in time that having a towel within arm’s reach wasn’t part of sex, but many a breastfeeding mom wouldn’t think twice about being sure there’s a burp rag on the night stand as part of foreplay!
No matter what you drip on your partner in passion, no need to get upset or freak out. If you’re mature enough to fool around, you need to be mature about the ‘uh-ohs’ too. You’ll both feel better laughing it off…and have a great story to chuckle about for years to come!
Calamity Jane
Let’s just face it – not everyone is graceful. Sometimes when he’s trying to take your bra off he accidentally snaps you. Occasionally your foot gets stuck in the leg hole while you’re seductively undressing. And you aren’t alone if you’ve fallen off the bed in the throes of passion!
One passionate pair ended up on the floor in a surprised heap when she swung her leg over the top of him and found out he really was on the edge of the bed. After being sure she was okay, he asked, “Now can I have more room?”
Another friend of mine had gone away for a romantic night with her husband for their anniversary. The hotel put a bottle of champagne and a couple glasses in the room for them. They drank a toast and got down to business. During said business, she kicked the bottle and broke it. Her husband told her she was difficult sometimes, but I’m sure he has his moments too!
A few years ago I was working out regularly with a wonderful group of women. Many of us shared stories of cramping up at very inopportune times. I just got a cramp in my foot last night, but I worked through it – wink, wink.
Sometimes you can let the adrenaline pull you through. Other times you have to call a stop to the games and walk it off. Either way, the embarrassment doesn’t last forever. And, as long as you’re there to help each other back on to the bed (and clean up broken glass) there’s no reason the fun can’t continue after the shock wears off.
Party Pooping Pets
Ever wonder what the cat is doing while you’re getting busy? Two of my friends shouldn’t have asked…
In one instance, the wiggling toes were too tempting and the cat licked them! In the other situation, the poor guy felt the kitty’s rough tongue on his derriere! I can’t imagine the shock that registered on these poor guys’ faces, followed by the laughter of their wives!
Kids aren’t the only ones that need to be locked out of the bedroom.
Now We’re Talking
As you can see, sex doesn’t always sizzle and sometimes a rendezvous might be more reckless than romantic. But that’s ok. It really is. Some books make it seem like every time your lips meet your lover’s you should see fireworks. That’s just not realistic…and real is where we live.
A few things I suggest to ease the occasional discomfort that comes with intimacy:
– Communicate openly and respectfully. Hollywood provides entertaining, although not accurate, depictions of sexual encounters. Talk to each other, listen to each other, and take the time to read body language to make your experiences more meaningful for the two of you. Honest feedback can also help you be sure things are moving along smoothly, both physically and emotionally.
– Come up with words or phrases that only you and your lover use. Similar to pet names, talking about “Barbie arms” (the appendage that gets rendered useless when spooning) when no one else knows what you’re talking about will allow you to share a few giggles outside of the bed, too.
– Be out for the other’s enjoyment. If both you and your partner work (Play? Is sex really work?) towards for the benefit of the other, you’ll probably both make out pretty well, right?
So, enjoy your love. Have fun. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. And know you’re not alone if it all goes fantastically, hilariously wrong!
